I am sick and tired of band kids getting picked on and getting the bad rap. Marching band can be just as strenuous as some sports, especially when you take it to the extreme like we do at Croatan. Just think about all the physical stress that you put on your body during a soccer game. Now imagine all of that crammed into a mere eight minutes of performing. Then, try doing that multiple times a day. Most of the time, I go home from practice so tired I can barely stay awake long enough to walk in the house. On top of that, I sometimes have three or more hours of homework to do, so you can imagine the stress that soon starts to overwhelm me. And it’s not just me; many kids in band are enrolled in higher level classes that bring hours of homework a night. The last thing I need is some know-it-all saying, “Band is so easy; anyone can do it.” Well, I would love to see you try marching band; you might find it harder than you think.

Marching band is also mentally draining. During the course of a marching band show, you have to think about many things: Are you in tune with the ensemble? Are you blending with the band? Are you on your “dot (spot)?” Are you dressing the form (shape)? Are you in time with the drum major? Are you using the correct technique? Are you “placing” your foot at the end of every set (movement between shapes)? Are you using the correct posture?  Are you controlling your breathing? You have to be asking yourself all of these questions at lightning speed, making yourself be as perfect of a performer as possible. It actually gets to the point where if you do it correctly, you can’t remember the actual performance. Trust me, it can happen, it’s happened to me plenty of times.

Hopefully, you’re starting to get my point: band kids work as hard as the sports teams. So, please for the sake of our sanity, just lay off the jokes. We are almost insane anyway, having to listen to the Doctor Beat (metronome) for hours on end, and being stupid enough to put ourselves through such torture, but it usually pays off. But not when all we hear is people complaining about the Doctor Beat, the band taking up so much space, and the band being a waste of funding. Well, I’m sorry if you feel that way; we, “band geeks,” love music, and want to pursue out dreams and talent.

Today, while I was working on the diagnostic test, I was feeling quite confident in my answers only to end up being shot down. After only getting five out of the ten questions right, I soon realized what my downfall was: I never ask myself, “Why?” when I am writing. In my lack of doing so, I set myself up for failure, because it makes the task of defining an author’s intentions, when I do not practice it myself. So during this semester, my goal is to practice asking, “Why?” when writing, adding depth to my writing. This will also help me to pick out the purpose of writing a passage a certain way. In addition to this, I want to better apply my knowledge of syntax, and other strategies to my writing. While my writing may be a bit above average, I want to aim to make a 5 on the AP exam, and just become a more skilled writer in general. This will come with conciseness, something that has always been difficult for me. In reading more nonfiction texts, I believe I will pick up on how to better do this, in addition to having the chance to analyze them as well, in preparation for the AP exam. 210

Love is but an ember,

slowly rising, maturing through the ashes.

One only hopes their somewhat feeble spark

can one day become a well-fueled fire

a fire that can withstand mighty storms

never for once flickering,but becoming stronger

But unfortunately, this love is the hardest to find,

hiding in the heart of only one person.

To find it is to find your other half,

never being fully complete without it.

It can never be manufactured,

only acquired when that right someone is found

Art, white light through darkness

for all the world to see,

deception through truth.

‘T is the artist

in this, as always, prevails.

Believe, not denying yourself,

Demur, causing your very

Soul to wither in self-betrayal

Today’s band practice was horrible.  People were making dumb mistakes left and right; so much, that by the end of rehearsal, I felt like white-out.  For instance, Blake went the wrong way at “E” and I had to scream at him to go the other way. When I got home, I felt used and dry, like yelling at people had been my sole purpose that day.  Now I was basically useless. Perhaps I am only as good as white-out, never to fully fix anything.

All throughout time there has been an eternal debate: what is man’s basic nature? Is it solely righteous, in no require of a God, or is the human race pure evil and in desperate need of a higher power to redeem us? In A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway answers this question using allusions to the Christian faith in an effort to express the corruptness of man.

Knowledge has been long said to be power, yet what is the purpose of this discovered power if nothing is obtained from it? Fredrick demonstrates throughout the novel that he is, knowledgeable of the Bible and of religious traditions; but he continuously rejects this knowledge as truth and power. In his refusal to follow the Christian faith, Fredrick gives any allusion a negative connotation, asking Catherine in one situation, “You’re not a Catholic are you?” (Hemingway 43). Fredrick appears to have such a hatred for the beliefs of Christians that he will not even fall for someone practicing the religion. This hatred seems to come from an underlying fear of the peace and tranquility that is associated with the Christian faith. Being the friendliest to the priest, “I smiled at the priest and he smiled back,” Fredrick shows his fear: due to the misconception that maybe the priest will cut him down for his refusal to accept the Christian beliefs as his own (8). In making Fredrick so fearful, Hemingway starts to shed light on the true nature of man: one of evil and fright.

With this idea of knowledge, another meaning comes to mind: one of sin. Sin is a recurring motif in this text due to all the allusions to Christianity. This definition is based off the symbol of the snake which plays a major role in the fall of man, “and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:4). Though Adam and Eve gained the knowledge of good, they also received the knowledge of evil, which tags along in the form of a basic sinful nature. Hemingway portrays this thought throughout the novel, playing into Fredrick’s “hollow” feeling (Hemingway 227). The lack of purity in Fredrick’s soul, from his nights of, “waking and not knowing who it was with [him],” to being, in Ferguson’s mind, “like a snake,” Fredrick displays the basic human quality: sin. The snake being especially harsh, as it is the devil himself, is the purest evil entity known to man. Fredrick is without substance the entire story, having no true identity. His only character lies with Catherine, and is one of only lust and pseudo-love, which again correlates with his sense of being hollow.

Hollowness also relates to Fredrick’s sense of procrastination. With no true sense of identity, he feels no sense of urgency to commit himself in marriage or faith. Count Greffi, as a character, symbolizes this procrastination, as he is 94 years old and, “outlived [his] religious feeling” (263). Fredrick, when hearing this, has no reason to care anymore. With no self-defined morals, he certainly would not just randomly decide something for himself, for once. His procrastination can also be connected to the fear he possesses of faith and commitment. Fredrick’s attachment issues are a result of Catherine’s problems with commitment, again because he has no sense of self.

Ernest Hemingway, in A Farewell to Arms, stresses the evil nature of man through references to the Christian faith. In doing this, Hemingway may imply that he believes Christianity is the right way in life, but mainly wants to show that man alone is not pure. Only in looking beyond ourselves and seeking out a higher power which can redeem us, can we be a pure being.

Part 1
The Crush
I am exhausted. I have been working hard all day trying to impress this girl that is in my
first period (but she’s also in other classes with me). Math, my favorite subject. The only problem is that anytime I would have to answer anything out loud, I would think about her and either freeze up or blurt out a wrong answer and I am at the top of the class.
Her name is Anna and she is extremely smart. She is not the prettiest girl, but for some weird reason she just appeals to me. She has light brown hair, is exceptionally intelligent and has this weird way of just making my heart and soul melt. Anna is just so caring and thoughtful; the purest being I have ever set my eyes on.
She is just so thoughtful and caring to other people. Anna is my role model, whether she knows it or not. This reminds me of when she went on a missions trip to Sudan with her church. Knowing that she was helping poverty-stricken people who were barely staying alive, made her look that much better to me.
I first met her a couple of years ago during a Math Counts trip and had fallen in love with her at first sight. I do not mean teen love, where couples tell each other they are in love when they are really not, I mean the real thing. My only problem is that anytime I am near her I act like an idiot because my heart just melts away into a puddle. 1

It is lunch time and I am starving. After I pay for my lunch, I sit down with my group of friends; Ashley, Rob and Hannah. We all met through band and have been good friends ever since. They all know about my crush and are always bugging me about it.
“Hey, when you gonna ask that Anna girl out”, Ashley says. She annoys me about it the most because she is pretty good friends with Anna.
“I’m not gonna ask her out”, I answer. (At least not now, but I’m not gonna let her know that).2

The next day rolls around, and it is first period again and still my heart just runs wild, just trying to get her attention. But, of course, exactly like every other day, I freeze up and can not get a word out or anything. It was just that today feels, a little different. I feel like today I might be able to actually talk to her. Hopefully she will not run away from me.
The bell rings, allowing sweet freedom for all of five minutes, everyone trying to get in a social moment before their next class. I make my mind up that if I was ever going to talk to her I might as well get it over with now. I walk over to Anna but I can not say anything to save my life.
“So, Anna, how ya doing,” I finally blurted out.
“Fine. Say, I know you’re smart and could figure out that geometry problem. So why didn’t you?”
“I accidentally wrote the answer to another problem,” I lie.
“Ok. So I see ya later okay”
“Cool,” I reply miserably. (I finally get the guts to talk to her and that is all I can say. Geez, what is wrong with me).3

Later on, I am at home talking to Ashley on the phone.
“Hey what’s up?”
“Nothing much here, but how are your plans coming to ask Anna out”, Ashley replies in such an annoying voice I wish I could reach through the phone line and strangle her on the spot.
“Well, no matter what you say, I am not going to ask her out. Okay”
“Yeah, I heard some guys talking about her earlier, about asking her out for the next dance. So if you’re going to ask her out you better get a move on .”
“For the millionth time I’m not going to ask her out. Okay. Cool”
I am so angry with her I hang up on her. 4

I start thinking about the issue though, my heart racing like a car going 180 miles per hour. I could ask her out, but what if she rejects my offer. Then I would just be left crying with a broken heart. It would be so horrible as is, but I would be a joke around all of my friends.
Finally my mind settles down and I fall asleep.5

Time slowly passes and the school days grow longer as I stare at Anna just wondering if I should just rush up to her and ask her out. This feeling of love in my heart for her is consuming all of my very being. Ashley, Hannah and Rob still annoy me about it but I have finally got used to it. 6

It is getter closer to Christmas and so there was a lot of joy and happiness going around the school. I am thinking about what to get Anna to impress her. I do not have much money since I had to pay my own phone bill now (God, stupid parents). I only have $50 and the it is the day before we got out for Christmas break. You see, the plan is to sneak the present under her desk before anyone can see anything. Then I can give her something and could not be rejected in anyway.
Well I bought her an awesome arrangement of roses and snuck into my math class really early so I wouldn’t be seen by anyone.
It was now about 7:45, time for homeroom. All of a sudden, I heard a sudden gasp and then a scream.
“Oh, Floyd, I would love to go out with you!”
(What?)7

Part 2
The Romance8

What had happened? My name wasn’t on there and none of my friends knew about my plans. So, the question is, how did Anna find out?
This smells like the work of Ashley. She is a friend of me and Anna, and she would love to see us together.
There was a dance on Friday of the next week (a school club could only book the gym during Christmas break), and even though I’m much of a dancer Anna persuaded me to go.
We walked into the gym, it was pretty dark. They had a disco ball hanging from the ceiling for light, and everyone was having a relatively good time. Anna got me onto the dance floor, where I proved that I had two left feet. But we had fun and during the slow dance (the only one I can do), Anna and I had our first big kiss. It was full of love and passion. In fact, when we stopped and looked around, everyone was staring at us, with their jaws dropped to the floor. After that we snuck out and talked for about three hours before heading home. Sure we both got eaten alive by our parents but it was well worth it.
I got to see her over break, but only by lying to my parents. You see, my parents didn’t think I was ready for a girlfriend. So I told them I was going to the beach with Rob, which I did, and met up with Anna later, at the Plantation, across the street. It had fountains where we could hangout and talk. We sat and talked for a while, then the right moment came and bam! We kissed, and it was amazing. Anna and I just had so much chemistry together, we were made for each other. I can’t wait tell my parents actually approve and we have more time.
Over the rest of Christmas break, Anna and I talked everyday on the phone and the computer, probably around at least three hours combined. We learned about each other, our deepest darkest secrets, favorite things and so on. Even though we weren’t together, we were getting closer by the day, until we were not just boyfriend-girlfriend, but also the best of friends. 9

Well, we’re back at school and Anna isn’t here today (she’s probably sick, she had been slightly ill earlier in the week). It’s science class, so I have lunch after this. Then suddenly, over the intercom, the principal said,”Floyd, please come to guidance”.
(What, why would they need me in guidance. I wonder what happened?).
Mrs. Stuart, the guidance counselor (also my next-door neighbor, and a good friend), said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but this morning on the way to school, Anna and her dad were hit by a logger truck. Anna is in critical condition at the local hospital, and her dad didn’t make it. I will give you some alone time to think, and you can check out if you want to, so you can go to the hospital to see her. Remember, I will always be here for you.” 10

(How could this happen. I mean, everything was finally getting on the right track and then this. Why did something so tragic have to happen to a girl so sweet and innocent).11

Later on, I went to the hospital to see Anna. She looked in really bad condition and the doctors said they didn’t know how long she could hold on. She was asleep so I wrote her a note saying:
Dear Anna,
I’m truly sorry about your dad. I love you and I will be at your side whenever you need me. I know you have my number so you can call me whenever. Don’t worry about what time of day it is. I’ll be here for you.
Love, Floyd
I don’t how well she’ll be able to read it, seeing that I started crying as I was writing it. I didn’t want to leave her but I had to. Anyway for the next couple days, I won’t be at school. But here with my Anna.
The next morning, it was a bright sunny day , but it might as well be raining, as bad as I felt. I felt as all the energy was drained out of me. Well, it was about 8:30, so I decided that I was going to see Anna, he would either be up or would soon be that way.
The hospital was very grim when I got there like someone had just died. (Oh no!). I ran up the three flights of stairs to get to Anna, but it was too late. The doctors told me that she had died in her sleep without any kind of pain. And that before she had gone to sleep she had written me a note in case I came back while she was asleep. It said:12

Dear my love,
I love you too, with all of my heart. If I die here, always remember that. You don’t have to be sorry about my dad. I do miss him, dearly though. When and if I get better, can you take me to see him?
Love, Anna
That was too much. I fell down right there and cried my eyes out.
(How could this happen? Why did she have to die? Why couldn’t it have been me and not her? Why did she have to leave me?) The funeral was the Tuesday after she died. Many people were out there, mourning the loss of a near perfect girl. The casket was open, and as I walked by, I couldn’t help but break into tears. (She could have done so much. Why did she have to die and leave me all alone). When I finally saw her in the casket, some force, out of nowhere, picked me up and then I kissed her goodbye.13

School was now quite grim and dull. I no longer had someone to impress or someone to who I could let everything out to . My heart ached every day now, but I knew there was no way to help my broken heart. Most of the time I sat by myself. I mean everywhere. Lunch, class, even on the bus. I was just so afraid that someone would bring up Anna, and right now I couldn’t bear to talk about her. The days passed and still I stayed to myself because I was very depressed about Anna. I just couldn’t believe she was dead.14

Part 3
The Depression15

I don’t really care about anything anymore. School, my health, my friends, they are all nothing to me now. I know Anna would want me to move on with my life, I just can’t. Our love was so deep, but way too short lived. My life is basically a void now that Anna is gone.16

Today I got sent to the principal’s office for not doing my homework for three weeks straight. He asked me if I was okay(I used to have all A’s but now it’s straight C’s) and I said yes even though on the inside, my heart had a burning hole in it. I wasn’t going to see a therapist, I would just live through it, let stuff just sort itself out. 17

When I go home now, I usually just sit on my bed and think of how it could have been. My parents have noticed but don’t say anything because they really don’t want to dive into the subject. I don’t go outside except to catch the bus, so I have gained a couple of pounds. I’ve also begun to ignore my friends because I can’t handle much of anything right now. Pretty much, I’m emotionally unstable, something simple could throw me off the edge. I almost thought of killing myself, but Anna would have not wanted me to do that, probably no one would. It’s just so hard to live without her. To me, the devil had come and ripped my soul out and now I have nothing to live for. 18

I started writing today, just to see if that would help vent my feelings. All of it was basically depressing poetry, but it was a start. There is so much depression to get out that it will take a while to just delve below the surface. Unfortunately, I can’t show anyone because they will likely take me to a therapist, thinking I’m going to kill myself or something. The main reason I don’t want to go see a therapist, is because that it will just bring up the issue and that is the last thing I need right now. That would drive me off the deep end in no time. 19

I haven’t hope for life anymore. The poetry does help, but the feelings of regret and depression are more powerful. It is hard for me just to make it through the school day. My grades reflect that, all D’s. But I just don’t care, so I don’t try. My parents and friends make an attempt at helping, but have no result. I’m too far gone. 20

Later on, the night was growing stronger as I walked through the forest. Walking, plus the added element of the darkness and nature, helped to clear my mind. The last thing I needed to do was bring thoughts of her upon myself. It was still too early, too soon to do anything else. The pain was unbearable, I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy. 21

Rain started pelting me, gently, but soon I was completely soaked. Oddly enough, it was relaxing. Like the rain was draining me of my depression and hurt. Draining me of memories of her, but they were still there. Haunting me, my very soul, my very being. “Death,” they say, but I ignore them and think, “Good, light, happiness.”

Love, why have you betrayed me?

 

Blessing others with a warm,

out-stretched hand,

while leaving me to the

cold inner-workings of your heart.

 

As many times as I can count,

you toss me aside like yesterday’s

lunch: cold and wet.

 

Wet from the tears I cry

as you slowly stab my heart,

bringing me to my knee in agony.

 

Torturing me with your kindness

towards other, yet scorning me

in my feeble triumphs.

 

A hatred so cold Hades

would freeze over

calming the torture of those souls

but never mine.

Cold sorrow looms over my heart,
seeking out all hope, destroying it
all along the way

Hope struggles to stay alive,
sprinting on light feet to
avoid being found

But the darkness is stronger

Slowly it locates all joy,
leaving me with nothing but
the agony of defeat

But yet, there is the slightest
glimmer, unscathed by this darkness
saving my soul

And this light is stronger

What Would John Do?: Similarities Between John Proctor and Jesus Christ

While speaking to prideful people, Jesus tells a parable of a Pharisee and a tax collector. The Pharisee prayed showing that he was “good” because he was not a thief, murderer or even a tax collector. The tax collector, seeing himself as a sinner, asked for mercy on his soul. To end, Jesus states, “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 18:14). The man who is modest will be looked upon in a culture: someone like John Proctor, from Arthur Miller’s play, The Crucible, or someone like Jesus. Although John Proctor and Jesus lived in different time periods they actually have much in common: both died as criminals, shared a message of truth, and their arrests led to riots.

John Proctor, at first a hypocrite against his rules of conduct (14) and will not attend church for he believes Parris to be an unrighteous man (32), can be related to Jesus in their similar deaths. While in the play there is no scene depicting Proctor’s death there is one in the movie of the same name. Proctor is hanged between two criminals and seen as a lecher and witch. Proctor dies knowing there was no other way: be known as a liar in the town or die having people know he did something honorable and heroic. Also, he partakes in talking to God, reciting the Lord’s Prayer, as the noose hangs loosely around his neck.

Hanging between two thieves, Jesus died having past supporters laughing and jeering at him. False testimonies were also given against him, and he would not answer to them; however, he did answer when the Sanhedrin questioned his identity.  Jesus also cries out to God, shouting, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”(Mark 15:34).

Miller constructs Proctor’s death to make a historical reference, causing John Proctor to seem like a saint. Having portrayed Proctor as a lecher and hypocrite earlier in the play, Miller wishes to change this persona, adding resolution to the play. If the connection was never made, then Proctor seems only to want to keep his name pure. By making links to Jesus, Miller exposes the strength of character that Proctor had in ripping the false confession. Miller identifies Proctor as a righteous man saying, “For now I do think I see some shred of goodness in John Proctor” (62) similarly to the way Jesus did in front of the Sanhedrin (Mark 14:62).

Much like Jesus, Proctor had a verity to share with his society. One about the girls’ lies and why they were spreading them. On page 52 Proctor states toward Danforth, “God damns our kind especially, and we will burn, we will burn together!” This speech makes the townspeople ponder their actions and the integrity if the accuser, Abigail Williams. After realizing he fulfilled his purpose of sharing a message of the fallacy of the court and the lies that took captive the town of Salem, and then he could die.

Jesus shared a message of truth as well, to save the souls of many. His message as stated in Acts 10:36 is: “telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who, is Lord of all.” Jesus wanted to save people from themselves; for only through him could they have eternal peace and life.

Miller linked Proctor’s purpose to Jesus’ to show that Proctor wasn’t just babbling from furor. Proctor, an honest man, revealed the wrong-doings in the town, by admitting his and thus showing others’. By connecting him to the purest man who ever lived, Miller gives him credibility. Miller connects them again to show Proctor should be trusted; and when he is accused of such a wretched crime, that the integrity of the accuser should be examined.

In the movie, when Proctor is arrested, there is a huge commotion in the town as Mary Warren had just accused him witchcraft.  In the anarchy of the moment, Proctor is arrested, and the whole town turns to mass hysteria, even Danforth, usually quiet, yells for Mr. Hale to come back when he storms out of the court (52). Abigail, capturing the town, influences them to believe Proctor guilty. Riots are like high school: follow the crowd or you’ll likely get hurt.

Similarly, when Jesus was arrested, confusion broke out. Judas, one of his apostles, aided in his arrest and Jesus’ followers went ballistic. In this excitement, a man near the guards, grabbed a sword and sliced a servant’s ear off (Mark 14:47). Through the hysteria though, Jesus’ influence and power were constant.

Miller, knowing the power that Jesus had, related the scene from the play to the biblical one. Proctor was seen as influential in Salem, and Miller wanted to add support to these details. Jesus carried himself in a modest fashion, to in turn be exalted. And Proctor sought not power or greatness, as in this quote, “because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang!”(63). Proctor doesn’t want to be known for his actions, for nothing great comes from a power-hungry man.

1 Samuel 18 tells the story of David and Goliath. David, too young to fight in the army, only goes to take his brothers food. He then sees that everyone is scared, due to a man named Goliath. Goliath, so big he had a shield-bearer, was in the opposing army. By being modest and saying he could not do it alone, and asking for God’s help, David uses a stone and a slingshot to kill Goliath. In The Crucible, this trait of modesty is depicted in John Proctor, through biblical references in his arrest, purpose, and death. Through the connections, John Proctor is molded into a saint-like character, adding closure to the play, and allowing the audience to make a connection to the real world.